The first time I tried crafting a BDSM scene, it was a bit of a disaster. I had read somewhere that starting with a mantra could help my submissive get into the right headspace. I tried it—asking her to repeat a phrase while kissing my whip—but it just didn’t work. She wasn’t into it, and the whole thing felt off from the start.
First scenes are often awkward. There’s excitement, nerves, and the big question of what to do next. You’ve found someone who wants to play (victory!), but getting into the flow can be a challenge. In this article, I’ll share some advice based on my own experiences. These are just suggestions to help you start a scene with confidence and connection, but remember, there are no hard rules in BDSM—only what you and your partner(s) agree on.
Embrace the Awkwardness
My first mistake was relying on something I read rather than doing what felt natural to me. When it didn’t work, I just carried on with the scene. And you know what? Things improved. The second time we played together, I dropped the mantra, and the scene flowed much smoother. It taught me an important lesson: it’s not about perfection. BDSM, like life, isn’t always flawless, but that doesn’t mean it can’t still be good.
One thing to keep in mind is that calling off the scene early or apologizing excessively won’t help. It’s better to maintain momentum, even if the start isn’t as smooth as you’d hoped. Once you get into the flow, the awkwardness fades away.
Personalize the Scene
What I’ve learned over the years is that successful BDSM scenes start from within. If you incorporate elements that genuinely excite you and listen to what your partner needs, the beginning of the scene will feel more authentic and enjoyable for both of you.
Communication is key—both with your partner and yourself. Ask your submissive questions like:
- What helps you feel the most submissive?
- How can I assist you in transitioning into a submissive mindset?
- Is there a specific phrase or act that triggers your submission?
These conversations are crucial because each person experiences submission differently. Some switch into it easily, while others need more time or specific rituals to get into the right headspace.
Equally important is understanding what brings you into a dominant mindset. Reflect on:
- What do you want your submissive to do to show they’re ready to submit?
- What rituals or actions help you feel more in control?
Once you figure out what works for both of you, you’ll be better equipped to start a scene that feels satisfying and intimate.
Crafting the Beginning of a Scene
Here’s how I like to start a BDSM scene, but remember, this is what works for me, and you should adapt it to your dynamic.
Set the mood. I usually begin by checking in with my submissive—making sure she’s comfortable, has used the bathroom, and the room temperature is right. I also ask her to dim the lights and select some music. Music can be a powerful tool; it helps set the tone for the scene. I used to pick specific albums, but now I let my submissive choose, which adds an extra layer of connection.
I also like to take a moment to slow down and soak in the atmosphere. I ask my submissive to kiss my feet as an initial act of submission. It’s a symbolic gesture that sets the tone for the power exchange.
Establish control early. After the initial kiss, I’ll give my first command—typically, “Attention.” I’ve taught my submissive simple slave positions to follow, such as standing with legs spread, back straight, and gaze down. This posture reinforces the power dynamic and signals the start of the scene. I love restricting the submissive’s gaze because it heightens their awareness of the control I have and offers a clear break from everyday life.
Let Time Breathe
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned over the years is the value of silence. I used to talk a lot at the beginning of scenes, but now I’ve learned to let the moments breathe. Letting your submissive sit in silence, vulnerable and exposed, builds anticipation and deepens the psychological aspects of the scene.
Once the submissive is in the right position, I like to move toward her and inspect her posture. Sometimes, I’ll make small adjustments or corrections. From here, I’ll gradually have her undress, often starting with her top or dress, having her fold it neatly to add an element of order and mindfulness. I’ll touch her skin, letting the physical connection grow.
One personal ritual I love is being the one to remove her panties. It’s a small but intimate act that signifies control and sets the stage for what’s to come.
Build Your Own Rituals
What I’ve shared here is just one example of how to start a BDSM scene. Your beginning will evolve with time and with each partner you play with. The most important thing is to make it unique to you and your partner, creating a connection that feels special and intimate.
Whether your style is slow and methodical like mine, or more spontaneous and primal, the start of a scene should be something that sets the tone for the rest of your play. With communication, introspection, and experimentation, you’ll discover the rituals that make your scenes powerful and meaningful.
The Bottom Line: There’s no perfect way to start a BDSM scene. What matters most is that it feels right for you and your partner, creating a space where trust, control, and desire can flourish.
