Introduction: What is Topping from the Bottom? "Topping from the bottom" is a phrase often heard in the BDSM community, particularly after the release of books like 50 Shades of Grey. While the phrase can sound playful, it refers to a situation in which the submissive begins to manipulate the dynamics of a BDSM relationship, subtly or overtly trying to control the dominant partner. This can happen intentionally or unintentionally, often leading to an unhealthy shift in the power exchange. In this article, we’ll explore the meaning of "topping from the bottom," examples of how it manifests, and solutions for both Dominants (Doms) and submissives (subs) to avoid and address it.
What Does Topping from the Bottom Mean in a BDSM Relationship?
In a healthy BDSM relationship, the power dynamic is clear: the Dominant leads, and the submissive follows. However, topping from the bottom occurs when the submissive takes control, whether through passive-aggressive behaviors or by manipulating situations to steer the relationship in their favor. This can erode the trust and structure of the relationship, making it challenging for the Dom to maintain authority.
Common Examples of Topping from the Bottom
1. Acting Out to Gain Attention
It’s not uncommon for submissives to occasionally behave brattily, especially if they enjoy a playful power struggle. However, when a submissive consistently acts out to gain attention or control, it becomes a form of topping from the bottom. Instead of following the agreed-upon power dynamic, the submissive manipulates the Dom into reacting or catering to their behavior.
Solution for Subs: If you’re craving attention or feel your needs aren’t being met, communicate openly with your Dom. Ask for what you need instead of resorting to manipulation. For example, instead of acting out to get a punishment, say, “I need to feel connected. Can we have a session?”
Solution for Doms: Recognize when your sub is acting out for attention. Rather than immediately punishing, take a moment to address their feelings. Encourage open communication and ensure your sub feels safe to express their needs.
2. Misusing Safewords
Safewords are crucial in BDSM to ensure that scenes remain safe, sane, and consensual. However, when a submissive uses a safeword not because they’ve reached their limit but to avoid something they simply dislike, it becomes a form of manipulation and control.
Solution for Subs: Before using a safeword, check in with yourself. Are you truly at your limit, or are you using it to avoid a situation you don’t prefer? Be honest with your Dom and establish clear boundaries in your BDSM contract to prevent misuse.
Solution for Doms: Always respect a safeword. However, if you believe your sub is misusing it, address the issue later in a calm conversation. Remind them of the importance of safewords and the trust required to maintain their integrity.
3. Frequently Questioning the Dom's Decisions
Another example of topping from the bottom is when a submissive constantly challenges their Dom’s decisions. While there is nothing wrong with occasional input from the sub, consistently undermining the Dom’s authority shifts the power dynamic, leading to frustration and loss of control.
Solution for Subs: Trust in your Dom’s leadership, and if you have feedback, provide it respectfully. After a scene or decision, you can voice your feelings and ask for adjustments in future situations, but constantly challenging them erodes the foundation of the dynamic.
Solution for Doms: It’s essential to maintain authority while considering your sub’s feelings. If your sub frequently challenges you, establish a system where they can provide input, but make it clear that final decisions rest with you. Reward compliance and maintain consistent boundaries to reaffirm your role.
How to Prevent Topping from the Bottom in BDSM Relationships
For Submissives:
- Communicate Openly: If you need attention or feel your needs aren’t being met, express this clearly to your Dom.
- Respect the Power Dynamic: Avoid manipulating situations to gain control. Trust that your Dom has your best interests at heart.
- Use Safewords Appropriately: Only use safewords when necessary to ensure safety, not as a way to avoid something uncomfortable.
For Dominants:
- Encourage Open Communication: Create a space where your sub can voice their feelings without undermining your authority.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Reinforce the agreed-upon dynamic, and don’t be afraid to address manipulative behaviors directly.
- Maintain Control: Don’t give in to bratty behavior or manipulation. Keep your decisions firm and consistent.
Final Thoughts: Balancing Trust and Control in BDSM Relationships
Topping from the bottom can be a tricky behavior to navigate, but with open communication and mutual respect, it can be addressed. Both Doms and subs must work together to maintain a healthy, consensual power exchange. Remember, BDSM is built on trust, and when each party respects their role, the relationship thrives.
If you're looking to deepen your BDSM dynamic or correct topping from the bottom behavior, consider revisiting your BDSM contract, having regular check-ins, and reinforcing clear communication. Together, you can build a fulfilling and trust-based relationship.
