The beauty of a power dynamic is in its power to heal. To share in a partnership where there is a flow of power in a beautiful movement called love. With one in control and the other surrendering control, all while being totally in love, is powerful beyond what words can express. And another to sink into the feeling their partner has them completely and thoroughly in a beautiful, strong embrace. It has the power to transform lives, relationships, and your innermost self.
Many of us have hidden our kinky sides for so long that finally embracing the lifestyle feels freeing. Also, many of us come into a relationship with past hurts and traumas experienced in our vanilla lives; we simply want the safety of a relationship where a simple word can stop anything that feels uncomfortable.
Welcome to the healing power of lifestyle. Embracing this lifestyle can change your life, relationships, and yourself from the start.
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Embracing Yourself
For many of us, our kinks were hidden secrets we didn’t want the world to know. We questioned our sanity and morality in light of what we were into. I remember having the desire to be spanked and wondering what was wrong with me.
In a world that said no man should put his hands on a woman, I wondered why I wanted a man’s firm grasp upon my skin. I didn’t know why I wanted it. I even went to therapy to try to get rid of the desire, but the desire never faded. In traditional therapy, I was warned that BDSM was abuse, but I knew the experiences I had were far from abuse.
I was told it was my low self-esteem that made me want BDSM, yet in BDSM relationships, I felt the most confident I had ever felt. I had been with Dominants, who helped me fight an eating disorder, and I knew there was nothing wrong with that. So why was the mainstream world telling me what I knew was so right for me was wrong.
I felt lost in the world. Like I had nowhere to belong till I found a therapist who worked with the LGBTQ+ community and who I found embraced BDSM, he helped empower and embolden me in my passion for BDSM. He showed me how it wasn’t abuse. He told me it was okay to love in a way that isn’t the mainstream.
He helped me embrace my polyamorous side. And even helped me find the bravery to explore DDLG, by allowing me to learn more about non-sexual daddy dom/little girl (DDLG), which felt more safe, sane, and consensual for me. I found a local dungeon, got more involved in the community, and was finally embraced for who I was for all the kinks I had, and for the ones that weren’t my kink as well.
And this was more than just accepting you are kinky. It’s embracing the fact that kink is not evil, it’s not abuse, and it’s not wrong to be into it. It’s about realizing you no longer have to keep your lifestyle a secret from the whole world.
Yes, there are areas where no one knows I am kinky, like work and family, but to have a secret you know isn’t dangerous or wrong, but that is personal, and just for you and your partners, it brings a different kind of joy I can’t express in words.
I am so proud to be in the lifestyle but I I refuse ever to let anyone tell me again that it is wrong, so I only share it with those I know will support me. I do no need to force others to accept a part of myself, which I have now totally accepted.
It’s about wearing a discreet collar with pride because it still keeps the lifestyle private but also shows others in the community who recognize it that you are one of them. When you see someone else collared, it’s the smile on your face, knowing you are no longer alone. It is the freedom from shame and judgment of a part of you you should never have had to be ashamed of. It is self-love of all you are, kinky and not.
Finding Kinks
Once you have learned to love all of yourself, you are free to explore all the lifestyle has to offer so you can determine who you are. There are different kinds of dynamics and different kinks.
The first thing you must learn is it’s okay not to like every kink. This doesn’t make you less kinky; understanding this frees you to explore the kinks that feel right and safe to you. It’s okay to feel as if you fit into several different kinds of dynamics, or a single dynamic, or be unsure what dynamic fits you. It’s okay to be 24/7, just kinky in the bedroom or somewhere in the middle. You are free to explore and define who you are. And you are free to change your mind as you grow and evolve as a person.
I came in only knowing I wanted to have rules and be spanked. Then, I joined my local dungeon and went to munches, where I realized the depth of my submissive nature. I knew I had no desire to be in control of a relationship. I wanted to kneel at one’s feet and serve them. I wanted to please them, to make them feel wholly cared for. And I was finally free to explore that side of myself, and BOY did I explore.
I dove in head first and entered into a full-blown M/s dynamic for two years. It was the most amazing relationship, but sadly ended in tragedy with my Master passing. I wanted to find a different way to serve that didn’t bring up the hurts of losing my Master, so I entered into DDLG, where I found a playful way to serve. Then, I began to tackle bigger issues where I needed firmer discipline to help me break bad habits and found domestic discipline.
Through it all, I learned so much. I discovered I loved serving, kneeling, and surrendering. I loved rope play and loved being spanked. I wasn’t a fan of knife play or CNC, but I saw the appeal others had with it.
I also learned I am a total, playful, and caring brat. Early on, I got the nickname Bratty Ann for my love of being a tease and playfully disobeying while also loving to serve. I just loved tempting sadists into spanking me and loved the joy it brought them. Now, there are other ways to be bratty, but that playful, tempting nature in all brats was definitely in me.
Kneeling at the feet of the Dominants, I have had the pleasure of serving, I found myself. I found my confidence. I found my smile. I found joy. I found the girl inside who had never been freed. The one who is funny and playful. Who loves to serve others. Who has a wild side that needs taming. Who is strong and unbroken. Who is healing every day from her past hurts. Who knows when to say no, and that no is final. Who has found her voice, her vision, and her life again.
And, if you are anything like me, it will transform your identity as a person completely. Having a safe space to express your kinky side, you will find yourself happier, more confident, and more aware of who you are in your vanilla life, too.
I began to fully embrace my heart for service and realize I love to serve even in the vanilla world. This freed me to release my false need to be in control. I realized control is not something I sought in any aspect of life. I began to serve and lead others without clinging to control.
Dominants experience this freedom as well. While some become more confident leading in the vanilla world, others feel less need to impress others because they have a submissive who serves them with their whole heart, and that is all the control they need. So be ready to fall more in love with your whole self and the freedom to be all you can be both in the BDSM lifestyle and in life as a whole.
Healing Oneself
A lot of us in BDSM, myself included, endured some sort of trauma or multiple traumatic events in our lives. BDSM as a whole has been so healing for me. I no longer have to fear being abused, raped, bullied, belittled, or neglected. I know I will be entirely loved for who I am, can safely surrender all I am, and can trust my partner with my world.
To be able to kneel before my trusted Dominant blindfolded, feeling no fear is the most freeing experience I have had. To surrender to spankings, knowing I will never be beat but will receive correction when I need it (or want it). It has been powerfully and strangely healing. Here’s some more about the healing powers of BDSM aspects.
Safe Words
Many of us who have endured traumas in our lives have lost the ability to believe in the power of the word “No.” Saying no had never stopped anything in the past, and, at least for me, after repeated abuses, I stopped saying no. I became a yes person to everything in life and feared saying no to anyone. Enter safe words. A word that would stop any play, even if once enjoyable. A word that would bring a scene to an end, no questions asked, the moment I felt off. I won’t lie. It took me a while to ever use my safe word. Till I asked my Dominant to take me to the place where I would use it (not something I would recommend to everyone), he took me to that place, and I called my safe word for the first time (we used the word “Red” like they do in many dungeons). He threw down his paddle, cut off all my ropes, and held me as I cried. And the tears were not due to the sting of the paddle on my rear, but rather because I finally realized my voice mattered, that my new “no” mattered, and that it’s okay to say no when needed.
Aftercare
The secret superpower in BDSM. The aftercare. After an intense scene, or even after a simple spanking, to know you can curl up in your Dominant’s arms and be told you were a good girl for surrendering to the moment means the world. To have a safe place to cry, to be accepted, and to feel protected is something I never had before BDSM. To me, these aftercare moments are where the actual bond is made. The moments where you get to cuddle have more power than even the kinkiest of scenes. For in these moments, you get to feel fully embraced.
Discipline & Structure
I faced a lot of physical abuse in my childhood and adult life. I was shocked even to want a lifestyle where there were rules and physical discipline, but I did, and now I know why. Having clear-cut rules and expectations, which I know I can adhere to, means I don’t have to fear someone flying off the handles for no reason. I don’t have to fear being attacked physically or verbally for a simple thing I didn’t know was wrong to do. And, by agreeing to what consequences there can be, I don’t have to fear that even if I do make mistakes. I know breaking a rule here or there is not the end of the world, and after being punished, it will be over with and forgiven, and I will be in the aftercare embrace of my Dominant.
Non-sexual DDLG
Non-sexual DDLG has also been freeing for me. It gave me a space where I could be free to be a child again without fear of anything sexual happening. I could have all the stuffies I wanted and cuddles I wanted and still have the discipline I craved as a kid because there was no proper discipline in my home. Plus, having survived neglect as a child, I never learned self-care, so to have rules like bedtimes, bedtime routines, times to eat, and times to take my medicines meant the world to me to learn to take care of myself. But of course, the even better side is just being able to play with toys and have childlike innocence and fun with no fear of anything sexual happening at any time.
Healing Relationships
Whether through simply adding kink to the bedroom or by completely surrendering to the lifestyle, relationships can be transformed by BDSM. It’s simple: allowing one partner to take control and another to surrender to control is the most profound bond a relationship can have.
The act of surrender in love bonds the two at the deepest level. And you don’t have to completely envelop yourself in the lifestyle with all the rules and structure, either. Simply enjoying some kink in the bedroom can be enough to add that missing spark to the relationship.
Getting Kinky in the Bedroom:
I have been in plenty of vanilla relationships before I found BDSM, and I think we can all agree they can be, well, boring. The ins and outs of everyday living become repetitive and mundane. But what if one day, your partner came home, grabbed you by the neck, pinned you up against the wall, and made out with you? You feel that. That heart racing, intense excitement. That’s life. And moments like this can be that way every day.
Let’s think of another example. You are in the bedroom, and your partner bends you over, cuffs your hands to the bed, and makes love to you. Yes, again, you feel life. Passionate, love-filled life. Or what if they take a crop to your ass or whisper things into your ear that are so hot I can’t even type them here.
Again, that could be your everyday life, simply by adding kink. And, from my experience, these love-filled moments will become more of your moments together. That same passion you felt when you first made love will be the same passion you will feel every day for one another. And that can heal any relationship.
The loss of spark within relationships leads so many to end. And simply adding kink can bring that spark back. It’s all about taking you back to that place of complete surrender you felt when you first kissed, first made love, first met. That intense, this is my person feeling, is what can be felt every time you make love. You simply re-awaken your love through the whips, chains, and cuffs that come with BDSM.
Surrendering to the Lifestyle:
Now, what if you want something more, even deeper? This is possible with BDSM, too. Imagine kneeling at the door when your partner gets home, with their favorite drink in hand, eyes on the ground, as they walk up slowly to the door. When they open it, they gently grab your chin, lift your eyes, kiss your forehead, and take the drink from your hand. Feel that. That calming feeling.
Now, imagine your partner writing out rules for you. Simple rules or elaborate rules outlining their every want and need. Your role is simple. To meet those needs. And if you don’t, they don’t get angry. They simply bend you over and correct you via the punishment you both agreed upon. This is the greater extent of surrender. You are giving your partner back control. Fully enveloped in power exchange.
That is surrender and is the other part of BDSM’s healing power in relationships. Fully surrendering to your partner’s wants and needs, meeting those wants and needs. And feeling the pride of knowing you have brought joy and peace to your partner can strengthen the bond in any relationship. Surrender to the rules your Dominant sets in place, and know the pleasure they feel when you meet their needs. That look in their eyes tells you they are completely, entirely in love with you and all you do for them.
And surrender to the discipline that comes if you have not met their expectations. Surrendering to knowing they will not break you but build you up to be the best version of yourself. There may be pain (if that is something you consent to), but afterward there will be a bond and healing unmatched in vanilla relationships. You are surrendered. The struggle for control is gone. The ability to let go and serve is there. You are free.
The power in surrender is in the power exchange within it. The Dominant seems to have complete control, but there is control in letting go of your control. The surrender is the power of the submissive. The power to relinquish your control to another, knowing your Dominant will not just take that control from you and honor it, but will also take the burden of control from you.
You are truly free to let go of everything, every burden, fear, and care, and give it over to your partner, knowing it is safe in their heart, in their hands, in the soul that is now so tied with yours. This is the ebb and flow of love in BDSM, and it all begins with the statement: “I surrender.”
