When I first entered the kink world, I was seeking direction. As a submissive, a little, and a pet, the idea of having a guardian both in lifestyle and life itself was appealing. I thought I needed someone to lead me because I couldn’t lead myself. However, after experiencing lackluster relationships, toxic dynamics, and uncomfortable situations, I realized part of me was searching for guidance because I lacked the ability to lead myself. By chance, I met someone in the lifestyle who became my teacher—my Sensei—not only in language but in life and lifestyle as well.
It wasn’t surprising to me that I lacked self-love, but I never thought I needed to do anything about it. I convinced myself that “as long as I can love others, everything is okay.” My Sensei taught me how flawed this thinking was. He showed me that loving yourself is not only important for your own well-being but also essential for loving others. Self-love, he explained, expands your capacity to give love—you must fill your own cup first.
I had an unconscious aversion to being alone with myself, afraid that if I looked inward, I’d find nothing of value. Worse, I feared discovering that beneath my self-sacrificing tendencies and toxic positivity, there was nothing truly substantial.
Self-Collaring and the Importance of Self-Love
Before I began the process of self-collaring, I had a conversation with my Sensei about it. Our dynamic was becoming more serious, and I wasn’t sure how he’d feel about me claiming myself first. To my surprise, he was incredibly supportive. He saw it as a powerful opportunity for me to cultivate self-love, and not only did he wait for me to claim myself, but he also supported me during my collaring ceremony before we moved forward with our official dynamic.
Through our discussions, my Sensei validated my fears but encouraged me to take the brave step into self-discovery. He reassured me that even if I found nothing within myself, I could always build from there, though he was confident I’d find more than I expected.
Realizing What I Needed to Give Myself
I started thinking about all the things I wanted from a Dominant—safety, praise, validation, love, leadership, and support. Then I asked myself, “Do I give these things to myself?” The answer was no. This realization led to a small existential crisis, as I considered that my search for a Dominant might stem from a lack of self-provided care rather than an organic desire.
As I continued to cultivate self-love, my perspective on having a Dominant shifted from a "need" to a "want." Self-love became my safeguard against the desperation for external love. In moments of desperation, I realized I had accepted poor matches, tolerated toxic behavior, and lacked the ability to stand up for myself. Self-love became my sword and shield, protecting me from relationships and situations that didn’t serve me.
The 100-Day Consideration Period
After realizing I wasn’t giving myself the care I sought from others, my next question was, “How do I provide these things for myself?” Since self-love was a foreign concept to me, I observed what I appreciated in my relationships and friends, then worked to replicate those feelings for myself.
I committed to a self-love challenge called “100 Days of Excellence,” which was designed for exploring my inner workings. It was an intentional effort to get to know and love myself, which ultimately led to my self-collaring ceremony.
During these 100 days, I made a personal vow:
“I vow to develop my mind, body, and spirit in order to bring myself closer to the ideal version of me. I will be gentle with myself as growth can be challenging. I commit to giving my best, knowing that my best may vary from day to day. I commit to progress, not perfection. Most importantly, I commit to loving myself every single day.”
Becoming My Own Dominant
A lifestyle friend once told me, “You are your first Dominant.” At first, this idea seemed silly, likely due to my lack of self-love. However, throughout my 100 days of self-discovery, I realized the truth in that statement. I will always be responsible for myself, and I can’t escape the relationship I have with me. Life would be much easier if I got along with myself rather than ignoring, abusing, or hating my own being.
Through self-reflection, I asked myself probing questions:
- Why do I criticize myself so harshly?
- Why does self-love feel selfish?
- If someone else treated me the way I treat myself, would I accept it?
- Would I treat my loved ones the way I treat myself?
These questions marked the beginning of what some call “shadow work,” or self-therapy. At first, I felt a lot of shame, but as time passed, I became more aware of my negative habits and began working toward healthier self-talk.
Setting Goals for My Own Growth
One of my goals in relationships is to be someone who creates a safe space for others. This is a huge part of my submission. I want my Dominant to feel safe in exerting his leadership, knowing that it empowers him and fulfills me. Given my history of unsafe familial, romantic, and platonic relationships, I now strive to create safety for myself and others.
During the 100 days, I learned how to lead myself in times of crisis. Instead of retreating and avoiding my feelings, I practiced techniques like deep breathing, writing out my emotions, and engaging in comforting activities like building a blanket fort or running my bubble machine. By knowing how to self-soothe, I created a foundation for my Dominant to build upon when caring for me.
The Self-Collaring Ceremony
On the day of my collaring ceremony, I incorporated spirituality into my kink practice. The ceremony took place on the new moon, symbolizing new beginnings. The day was filled with both solitary rituals and moments with loved ones, marking the significant shift in my relationship with myself.
The day began with a body scrub spell in the shower, where I imagined scrubbing away negative energy. I adorned myself in a beautiful dress and used earrings and a bracelet as my "collar." I recited my personal mantra, reinforcing my commitment to self-love, compassion, and growth.
I spent time cleaning my space, enjoyed a meal with a close friend, and engaged in rituals of purification and reflection. My Sensei joined me later in the day, providing praise and support that deepened my connection to my submission.
One Year Later: The Results
As of now, a year has passed since my self-collaring and my collaring by Sensei. Together, we continue to nurture growth and lean into my submission. Through this journey, I’ve learned that maintaining my physical and emotional well-being enhances my ability to experience transformative, fulfilling play. Self-care is essential—not just for myself, but for the deep connections I seek in my submission.
By fostering systems of self-love, I’ve been able to become a better submissive, deepen my relationships, and enjoy a life filled with mindful pleasure and connection. Kink is not an escape for me; it’s an extension of the life I’m building—a life of love, growth, and fulfillment.
